I am a Life Coach and Counselor, I have Worked as a Substance Abuse Clinician and as a Clínical therapist. I have also served as a Parent Trainer and an Biblical Education Consultant. I am now also an Associate Chaplain, a Mother and was Married twice. But that is the easy part to share.
Published February 7, 2019
February 8, 2019
I was also a battered wife for 25+ years, one who was married to to a man with an explosive personality disorder and depression. I was trying to be his help, and found myself in a vicious cycle of abuse.
An abusive relationship is very much like an addiction. It is a recurring and self perpetuating cycle that causes sadly, one, to live in fear and not know how to escape the abuse. This can in turn lead to more damaging behaviors.
Low self image, a sense of hopelessness and a sense of failure. This constant questioning of one’s personhood and value can lead to depression and emotional entrapment.
In my case, God allowed a dear friend to confront me. To ask me, if I was a perpetuating enabler. I was. I did not know how to live without the chaos.
I had allowed myself to be belittled, Mistreated, put down, be mocked and all because I was afraid to admit the relationship was not a good one. I was afraid of failing. I kept trying to make this sinking ship stay afloat.
This friend confronted me and said, “How many times have you forgiven and then gone back to being the doormat? How many times in 25 years have you been pushed, hit and battered.”
” How many times has he said, I am sorry but it’s your fault for getting me angry?”
These questions made me, for the first time, think about me. I was too busy tending to the needs of the relationship to understand that I had lost myself in the process. I had become the very person this man called me. “A useless, frail, weak, nothing without him.”
I had made his words true, in my mind. Regardless of the personal and Professional accomplishments I had acquired through the years, I saw myself, as he described me. I was never “good enough.”
Sometimes, we are haunted by thought patterns that cause us to be less than what we really are. We allow others to place on us labels that we then, hold closely and begin to believe.
Sometimes parents or caregivers place labels people carry on for life. Others are haunted by the treatment they received from others and they begin to believe they must deserve the punishment. What we listen to and whom we associate ourselves with will have an Impact on our state of mind. A parent who is angry or frustrated can damage a child by speaking words that create a negative image of who their are. A spouse, a teacher, a leader can harm others with their negative comments.
The Bible says, “The heart of man is desperately wicked…” Jeremiah 17:9
It also says, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue; And they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.”
We ourselves become our own enemy. My spouse’s behaviour was due to his lack of self worth and his own self loathing. It was part of his mental deficit. It was also part of his spiritual condition. I could not save him. But the Lord could and eventually did.
As for me, my trying to play God and fix the person, was my greatest failure. We human beings are not equipped to carry the burden’s of another. We can share a load, but not take it from them. We are to go to the Lord for help. We are to be open and honest and admit we need help. I had done none of these.
In the end, I needed to separate myself from a relationship that had almost cost me my life. It had allowed others to distance themselves from me. It had taken from me everything I held dear. It had robbed me of the peace of God I had claimed to have. Eventually, the relationship had to end.
This lead to a divorce and counseling. The same kind of counseling I given to others, regarding addictive personalities, and crisis intervention. I had to undergo myself through therapy and a self evaluation. I discovered I did not know how to live without the constant turmoil.
Thank God, it’s been 3 years I have been free from this relationship. But it has not been easy. The constant questioning and putting myself down is a daily battle. I had to learn to love myself and care for myself again. I had to learn, that it was okay to be imperfect and flawed. I had to learn to stop trying to put forth a fake, yes, a false image of who I really was. I learned to find who I really was and surrender myself to the Lord.
I was a church leader, teacher and had lived in this constant masquerade of trying to present an ‘I’ve got it all together image”.
Today I am free, I finally, like who I am and yes, I am imperfect flawed and gladly broken and restored by Christ.
The greatest thing I have learned is that God loves me any how. He loves me and desires to use me for his glory. That the skills and experiences I have had to face are now somehow woven into a ministry of helping others find out their worth in Christ.
Through Christ we can do all things.
We can be free to be weak. For in our weakness his strength is made perfect. We can be frail for in His power was can accomplish His will. We can rest in His Peace for He is able to carry us through the storms of life. We can allow ourselves to be Transparent because His light shines best through us then.
Today, I am able to consider the mercy of God from a different perspective. For He brought me out of the pit of despair and allowed me to be remade in Him.
Christ delivered me from the pit I had placed myself in.
My poor choices and my pride. He delivered me from a false imagination. He allowed me to see I am His Beloved. My sins are forgiven. I am made clean. I don’t have to prove who I am. I am His Child.
Today the Love and Mercy of the Lord enable me to be free, to be me.
And that me is hidden in Christ.
The newness of life is mine because Jesus has set me free.