I Messed Up But then His Grace…

The story starts here, not because she did not have a story before, but rather because her story before seemed perfect and one that was untainted by the occurrences of the rest of the story. Yes, the beginning story was just so delightful that I will leave it there in its rightful place as a sweet memory of a perfect childhood.

Now then, the story starts here. She was hurt angry and bitter. Angry at God because she thought she had had a perfect life and suddenly it was chaos. Daddy was not the same. He had become ill. Mom was not the same she had stopped wearing her usual smile and her lessons of music ceased. No more did we learn new songs or prepare for plays and singing. No more did we sit as a family together and chat about life or the good news of God.

Life seemed to be filled with turmoil, tears and frustration. This little girl barely a teen found her comfort in music. She hid in the sounds of jazz and in the company of opera. She listened to music that her mom and dad had listened to prior to dad’s illness. They uses to play the classical music of the Boston Pops orchestra, this was her refuge, now. But as time went on sadness flooded her heart. Her dad seemed gone. Physically there, but totally gone.

The little girl shared a friendship with an older boy. This boy was 19 she was 14 and a half, actually, almost fifteen. She began to open up and tell this boy all her sorrows. They had a connection. He played the guitar. She sang. Together they would sing songs that were forbidden in the church. Yet, to the girl and her naive way, she just focused on the music. She loved the rhythms and the sounds. The varying notes and the transposing of notes to challenge herself to sing the songs in different ranges. She enjoyed this part of the friendship. But the boy was older and hormones do certain things to boys.

She had gone home and found out how sick her daddy really was. Though, he looked perfectly well and okay on the outside, he was by far, not okay on the inside. His mind had been hindered. This made this l ittle girl angry at God.

So, true, chaos had come. The reality of her dad not being present for her was overwhelming.

The boy invited her to come to him. He assured her that together things would work out. He would be ‘there for her.’ Then hormones took over. That girl, too naive to know better, ended up with a babe herself. Not understanding the ramifications of her behavior, she told the boy, I can’t see you anymore. I am not old enough.

Pregnant at 15.  Such a scary place to be for a young girl. The family was hurt. Some, too ignorant to see, she was just a little girl, still needing her parents.  A decision was made. She had to be married. It was against the family’s beliefs. The minister’s daughter pregnant! What a shameful thing.

Other parents did not allow their daughters to be around this little girl. She was a woman now.  She could not think about a party or being invited to any family function. She was rejected. She was belittled. “Oh, now she will be stuck.”

As if she was painted on the wall the comments came.

“She is such an embarrassment.”

“She brought shame to her parents.”

“Oh my God, this hurts the image of the church.”

It’s better if no one knows about it. “Let’s see, Maybe she should not be with her cousins anymore.”

She heard them. She seemed to be the biggest sinner now. The minister sat with her alone. He said, “If you dont get married you will bring a curse to your child’s life. You como your child to hell and yourself as well,”

She married, she suffered. Two kids, making a series of more mistakes because they were too young to understand commitment. They were too young. That older boy had not wanted to marry. He resented the girl. He was also conflicted. He liked another girl. So eventually, the girl had to leave. Two children later and a miscarriage between. Yes, the little girl was now a woman.

The little girl grew however, to understand that her children were the most precious gifts she could have ever received. In spite of her lack of maturity, in spite of her lack a good self mage and a very poor self esteem… in spite of her shortcomings, her babies were her own. She loved them more than anything in life.

It’s a miracle at all, she reached out to God. She had lost so much, but now in a new place, within a new church community, she found the Lord.

They loved her. They told her she was not a mistake. They told her, her children were precious in God’s sight. They enabled her to reach out to God again. Very different from the condemnation she had gotten before from those ignorant religious people in the church she grew up in.  And those other ignorant people who had made her feel her life was over and ruined.

She met true children of God. People who loved on her and helped her further her education. Neville Rosa and Gloria Rosa touched her life. They made her grow in faith. They nurtured her when she was too far from her mom and dad. Then there was Pastor Ilde Silva, who told her, that she did not need to run from God. That the Lord still loved her and had a plan for her life. He told her that her children “were a blessing of God.”

So much has happened since those days. She continued to stumble in her walk and made some poor choices again. She married again and suffered some more. But the understanding of God’s love never left her. She remembered her memories of a Happy Childhood and remembered that God is a God of mercy.

Her dad recovered some. Her life has been a series of ups and downs. But she knows now the Lord never left her. Her mom and dad are well. Through it all God has kept her. Even when she has messed up.

Her children are still her greatest treasures. And she has no regrets in regards to them. Her babies are blessings of God. In spite of what others had said.

The past is gone and one thing still remains. The Lord was not condemning. He is the Redeemer. The Lord was not judgemental. He was forgiving, loving and His grace is presently known to her.

No, life has not been perfect. This little girl made many mistakes. She failed in countless ways. But the Lord is not distant He is Personal and Present to this day.

He has been my helper, my fortress and the keeper of my days. He has blessed me with the children he allowed me to have.

He has sustained me and loved me even when I strayed. Oh what Grace sublime to know that, Jesus is mine.

By the way, this is part of my story. The little girl is all grown up now.

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